Just a few days ago, I told God that I felt like I was finally healed from the hurt and betrayal that happened, and yet yesterday I fell apart all over again. But it was a different kind of hurt. The pain from the original hurt is truly gone, but the void that has been left behind radiates a new sort of ache.
There were so many friendships that were abandoned, cut off, or demolished during that time. Some of it was because we withdrew to prevent slandering the ones who had used us, some was due to proximity after we moved to a new city, and some of it was due to the pandemic that hit.
However it came about, in the hardest years of our marriage, we were left with no support system. Our loyalty had been weaponized to separate us from our families, and the friends we once had were long gone because they saw what we missed or refused to see years before.
Now, six years later, the tenderness of injuries caused by that kind of abuse is gone and the sharp pain when memories are triggered is muted. But what has been left in its place is a phantom ache and an emptiness because trusting again feels impossible.
As I try building new relationships, every time a doubt arises due to someone’s behavior or words, my mind throws a red flag. RSD is already a very real battle for me, but this is different. This is a deep seated need to protect myself before a rejection or a slight can ever happen.
I’m watching everyone closely. I give a little then sit back, waiting for reciprocity. If it doesn’t come immediately or if this new potential friend shows the slightest sign of needing more than I am willing to give, my heart and my mind recoil.
I have always been extremely emotionally intelligent. I know what I’m feeling and I can tell you exactly why. I can even tell you what I should do to control or manage what I’m feeling. The issue is, I have thus far been incapable of making any life changes to correct my behavior. My solution has always been to simply withdrawal. If my behavior or my emotions are going to cause problems for myself or inconvenience someone else, it is easier to withdrawal from the situation completely.
And that is what I have been doing for the last six years. When relating to people gets hard or starts to demand too much - I’m out. I protect my time and energy fiercely.
That comes from running on empty for so many years. For so long I handed anyone and everyone a straw and gave them permission to suck the life out of me. Now - I’ve burned all the straws and no one gets anything from me. For a time, that was probably what needed to happen.
But starting to hand those straws out again is terrifying, and this past week reminded me why. A friend was going through a very tough time. I prayed for her each morning, reached out to her, offered counsel and support to her as often as I could. I checked on her each day.
Thankfully, her situation resulted in the restoration of a friendship, but it left me drained. And if I’m being honest - more than a little jealous, with a pinch of bitterness.
In the midst of that, I went to an event with a group of ladies who are becoming new friends, but they were already two sets of established friend groups. It was like being a third wheel doubled. When the two groups separated to go get group photos, I was left sitting by myself. Loneliness hit like a train.
All in one week.
But as I sit here this morning, I realize it was a good level set.
I learned that I CAN give emotionally to someone who needs it.
That I CAN be at peace when I feel left out.
And - that the emotional crash afterwards is not a failure on my part.
It is a time for me to press closer to the Father. To lean into the One who is always with me. To run into the arms of the One who will never leave me nor forsake me. And most importantly to remember that God is the One who fills me with the grace, wisdom, and courage I have the privilege to share with those who need it. And when I give all that I have, He has more to fill me with.
I remembered that I am not giving to others so THEY can fill me back up. I give from what the Lord fills me with everyday. I may struggle with feelings of loneliness, but I am never truly alone, for God is with me. Always.
If you find value in the free content I create and you want to help me create more would you buy me a coffee?
It is an easy way to make a one time donation of any amount.
Even a couple dollars goes a long way toward helping me do what I love.